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November 2nd, 2009
02:24 pm - Someday youll see things my way.
New life here I come. I found a place where I can be alone. Pay my own rent and don't have to answer to anyone anymore. Goodbye unknown, hello security.
I've been steady working toward this independence thing. Got the job .. school place. Even faster than i'd hoped for origionally. Next on the list of things to accomplish is a car. When I'm able to come and go as I please without taking the bus, I'll be exactly where I want to be at this point in my life. At least everything I do will be for myself and not for someone who, in the end, isn't going to absolutely be there. I've been here before. Worried so much about someone who was taken away from me as fast as he appeared. Well this time I was smart. This time I was prepared. This time you'll be "the one who's left missing me". Why shouldn't I push? In the end I'm nothing to either one of you. I'm no fucking marionette! I won't sacrifice myself for you. From now on I'm living for me and nobody else.
Things are just perfect for him now. I've made sure of it for you. I've done nothing but give my energy to bettering your circumstances instead of concentrating on my own, and for what? After all is said and done I can't even say that you respect me much less love me and care about my feelings. Guess what... I don't need your money or food or clothes or even a roof over my head from you. Its no surprise that now the pressures on. Its also no surprise that at everything true you fail 100 % every time. You knew this was coming because I wouldn't let myself need you anymore. The more and more I realized that I can do anything I want, the less and less I let myself feel entrapped by you. No more games. No more effort. No more fear. I am who I fucking am I'm not afraid to stand up for myself...especially to you. We've both gained from this...at least we can say that.
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I think moving day will probably be Thursday. This will be a defining day in my life. The day I became free, independent, and happy with myself.
Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
Current Mood: chipper :P
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October 7th, 2009
03:04 pm
Just went to get Colby from school. I'm sooooo tired but I still have to go out again. It's freeezing outside. Dillhole hasn't called me back yet. I'm beginning to think I made a mistake... haha. Gah. I'm not going to pay it too much mind because I shouldn't be biting off more than I can chew anyway. It obviously wasn't the right choice for me or I wouldn't have felt bad about it. I hate being someone who over-thinks things.
School is great so far. Really easy anyways. I finished all of my english and did my exam 100% :P:P I shat my pants when I heard that one. I knew I did pretty good though. I didn't expect that I would do THAT good.
I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I really haven't got a clue. The light isn't coming on yet. I am however, incessantly contemplating the meaning of life. I don't know why. I think boredom consumes me a little much. I find myself drifting away in thoughts of confusion. I think myself into a corner all the time. My mom told me that I should take philosophy. I gather it would be an eye opener of sorts. I feel like I don't fit in where I am. I feel lonely because people like me seem so hard to find. I'm just floating along this so called life seeking right knowledge. My moms not living close to me anymore. I miss her alot. I went back girly for some reason. I guess just to give myself another try maybe. I let go of caring maybe?? :S I was tired of attracting the opposite sex maybe??? I find that when I dress more masculine females are more attracted to me. I find that when I act that way, they respond more often and give me more of what I want... or wanted. Anyways, lately I've decided that I'd rather be loved for who I am... (an interesting concept). I'd rather be myself. After all, why hide under clothes to feel confident. I'm on a mission. If I can't be happy with who I am then why even be here? What's the point if I have to be someone I'm not to get what I want. I'm soul searching I guess.
I feel extremely uncomfortable when men stare at me. I wonder all the time if that's normal (amongst other things). I like being pretty but honestly, men looking at you like you're a BmW gets old. I don't like when women do it either really. I'm discovering new things about myself daily. I have new likes and wants.
I used to like buying new clothes... nada. I used to like grocery shopping.... nada. I used to love having sex all day... all night....nada. I wonder what I want? I guess after a while of having everything handed to you... after over-indulging, everything tastes the same. I long for something new now. I need time to grow. I need time to myself. I need to fix things. I wonder about my future. I don't spend everyday ignoring my mistakes anymore. Instead I spend everyday trying to fix what I can. I can only take it one step at a time. I want to fix things. I want to be proud of myself. I want to be a good person. FUck all the bullshit. I'm done pretending that I don't feel a thing so that I can run from hurt. I'll hurt. I'll admit it when it's tearing me apart. When I feel like giving up, I'm going to pick up the phone and look for support. I'm through taking everything that everyone wants to throw at me because they think I'm some brick wall.
Apparently I'm changing. Apparently I'm a good person.. Someone who's been really badly hurt.
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02:31 pm
So I'm at home right now. Didn't go to the job interview I had today. I didn't have a good feeling about it, and I have another job pretty much lined up (I hope).. at least now that I didn't go to the other one. I'd rather work at a place where not so many ppl are around. The idea isn't to put myself in an extremely uncomfortable position.
I hope the guy calls me back about the job soon because I have to go to school and it's like a neverending game of phone tag with this guy. Not to mention his english is terrible. I feel like I am running the conversation when I talk to him. So that's uncomfortable. Today is emotional. I feel edgy again. I hate it. Things are getting better. I'm happier with myself, I just feel really out of sorts. I guess it's part of growing up. I'm afraid to do things for myself and alone. I'm trying though. back later
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September 16th, 2009
09:48 pm
I'm getting used to the way you make me feel.
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September 10th, 2009
10:45 am
SEE YA FUCKIN LATTTERRRRRR
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10:21 am
THEYRE GONNNNNEEEEE
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August 29th, 2009
05:02 pm
I've just got all these feelings. I looked in the mirror and didn't see who was forcing herself out. I didn't see someone who hurts someone who has feelings. I didn't see a woman. I didn't see someone who is vulnerable and who cries. I didn't see someone who I liked. I didn't see someone who I could be proud of. I didn't see a nice person. I didn't see someone who never worries. I didn't see someone who's heart is beating and who breathes the same air everyone else does. I didn't see a real person, because that's not who I was pretending to be. I love people. I FEEL love. I feel happiness. I feel pain. I feel sorrow. I feel empty. I feel afraid. I feel every thought. I feel every fear. I feel everything good. I feel my girlfriends hands on my body. I feel like I can not be without her. I feel intense amounts of emotion. I felt them all along. I just got used to shoveling them underneath my clothes and they way I would laugh at people. I would hide behind my life, my actions. I would pretend I didn't care. I did it so often and I got so used to it that I became a robot. I became a person who I was not proud of. I became someone who I don't know. I became someone who hates everyone.. I became selfish. Inside I was a beautiful, happy, confident, scared, sad, frustrated, intense person with deep thoughts and wonders. I am a person who worries. I am NOT a mean person. I will not pretend that I hate people. I don't hate people. I hate what people have done to me. I hate what I have done to me. I cannot live without love. I cannot live without pain. I can learn to live without fear. I can learn to live my life and try. I can make a difference in someones life. I deserve to feel happy. Other people deserve respect. I don't want someone to cheat on me, so I won't cheat. I don't want people to dig at me, so I will let people see the real me. I don't want people to try to hurt me, so I am going to try not to hurt others. My whole world can change if I let love in. My whole life can change if I accept that I am human and that being a mean person isn't getting me anywhere. I don't feel happy when I don't feel anything. I want love. I want real love. I don't want people around me who don't love me. I want my mom to love me. I want her to show me. I have to let her. I have to give her the chance. She is changing. I am scared she is going to change back but there is nothing I can do. I can't put my life on hold because I am afraid of things. Life goes on. Love is a part of life and I want to enjoy it. Love...... I am inlovewithlove.... I am that girl.. that woman. I am the one you cheated on and the one you lied to. I am the one you sent to jail and the one you ignored. I am the one who loved you from the bottom of my heart and was crushed when you left me. I am the one who has changed for others. I am the one who cries when I see something sad. I am the one who will defend someone who is being treated unfairly. I care. I let things that hurt me ruin me and now I am trying to find myself again. I don't need to protect myself... I can't. I've hurt from the day I was born and I can't change what other people do. I CAN remember who I am and continue living my life. "Everybody hurts sometimes" that statement rings true and I am part of everybody. I am a person.
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August 25th, 2009
10:02 pm
Here goes another one. Had a positive start to today. Got a lot of things done that needed to be done. Not what I had planned on doing but accomplishments nonetheless. I have to call and make an appointment with the AbEa to get my school shit started. I hope that will help to boost my self-esteem. I could use a boost, especially after the last few years. I haven't really been the nicest most caring person alive. I find reassurance knowing that the things I have done in my life lately to hurt people have only been attempts at protecting myself. I know I'm not a bad person deep down inside. Nobody is perfect. I have just been hurt a whole bunch of times and I don't know how other to deal with it then to protect myself from being hurt anymore. After so long we cry ourselves out. I think I cried myself out to the point where there was literally nothing left. I've tried balancing three relationships with no love in my heart. I guess I just didn't want to be alone.
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I went to the slots with KAyla today. Cried when I came home on the bus. I feel so lost in all of this "feeling" crap. I don't get the hype.... at least not yet I don't. Nadine says I need to either sink or swim. It would be nice to know what the fuck that means.
How do I find the courage to do what my heart is telling me? How do I differentiate between my heart and my head?
I miss my mom. I like talking to her. I guess I have to forgive her for things she has done to me. The sad thing is that I just hold onto so many things. I never cry about them. I just hold them inside and they make me hate everyone. I had a few flashbacks today. Not every flash back is bad that I have. They are mostly insignificant things like remembering what my old room looked and smelled like... or an old neighborhood. It's like I haven't been living for the last two years. Suddenly I feel so alive.... :S Suddenly I remember everything. The good aswell as the bad. It's not that bad I guess. It's weird if anything. I'm getting used to it though. I never had any memories before. It's like I totally blocked out almost my whole fucking life. A few months ago I couldn't even tell you what school was like or about friends. I don't remember what love feels like. The most challenging part of what's going on is getting used to giving a shit about things. It's fucked......
WHen My fEeLIngs are hurt... They HURt??:S:S:S::S:S:S:S: What the fuck? This is all fucking new to me. Do you have any idea how hard it was to hurt my feelings before this whole ShAbaNg? I can't handle this shit.. thIS IS not fuN. Ahhhwellllll I guess it ain't so fucking bad after all. Just opening my eyes to the fact that I am not happy. If you don't feel anything you can't be happy right? So I guess this is giving me a chance to be happy!.
(for the record I was AIIght with feeling nothing.... that was kinda hapPY for me.)
Well being in your arms is alright. It scares the fuck out of me. Is it because I love you? Is it because you are not the one? Well I'm trying not to run. Guess well fuckin see sooner or later.
"THIS IS IT... Don'T GET SCARED NOWWWWWW"... lol
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhh I TOOK THE FUCKING BUS AGAIN TODAY. NOTE TO SELLLFF YOU HATE THE FUCKING BUSSSS. GAH.. AND I HATE OLD PEOPLE. BORING. I NEED SOME KIND OF FUN IN MY LIFe. NEVERr GOING TO sLOTs AGAIN.. ITS DEPRESSING EVEN WHEN I WIN.. THEREFORE IM NOT GOING ANYMORE.. THATS THAT!
I got a calendar today. That should help me to keep my shit on track. Made a Doc appointment for a full check up :P... that could turn out bad..... ah well.. has to be done sooner or later right? Guess I just don't think I can handle anymore bad news right now. Guess I have to face things though. Can't be afraid for the rest of my life.
Day by day I am going to put things back together.. Piece by piece. I have to remember not to bite off more than I can chew, and things will work themselves out. It's been worse. I guess when you care and something hurts it doesn't feel like things will be okay.
SNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ALREADYYYY!
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01:23 pm
Lately I've been wishing I had one desire
Something that would make me never want another
Something that would make it so that nothing mattered
All would be clear then
But I guess I'll have to settle for a few brief moments
And watch it all dissolve into a single second
And try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line
'Cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept
You are here then you're gone
But I believe that lovers should be tied together and
Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
and left there to drown
Left there to drown in their innocence
But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter
I read all of the pages and there is still no answer
Only all that was before I know must soon come after
That is the only way it can be
So I stand in the sun
And I breathe with my lungs
Trying to spare me the weight of the truth
Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
And you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
And now you are laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
Wishing you were a ghost
But once you knew a girl and you named her Lover
And danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
But autumn came, She disappeared
You can't remember where she said she was going to
But you know that she's gone 'cause she left you a song
That you don't want to sing
We're singing I believe that lovers should be chained together
And thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
And left there to burn
Left there to burn in their arrogance
But as for me I'm coming to my final failure
I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
But I ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be
Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And layed entwined together on a bed of clover
And left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness
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August 24th, 2009
07:21 pm
Flashbacks. I keep having them all of the time. It's like for the last few years I just forgot everything that ever happened in my life. I just put it all away I guess. I don't know. I don't think I will ever get over some things. I can't pretend all the time that things are okay anymore.
I remember seeing you on your medz. I felt so bad. I didn't know what to do. You were like my best friend. I couldn't be with you. I'm sorry for how that made you feel. I'm sorry that you felt like you couldn't be happy without me. I'm glad that you feel better now.
I wish I never saw your face. I wish I never looked into your eyes. I have become someone who is so cold and who doesn't consider how others are feeling. I have become someone who can't stand to feel a single ounce of emotion and yet I still can't see how it doesn't phase you to not love me. How do you sleep? How can you live your life knowing what you have done to me and everyone else? You are why I feel empty inside. I'm not you. I can't believe I ever let you step foot in my life even for a measly two weeks. What a waste. I think I could have been better off not knowing you for what you are. I didn't understand. You don't care and you never will. Nobody knows how you hurt me. Not a single person knows how you've ruined me. Why even bother? For what? Is everyones feelings just some fucked up game to you? Are you so fucking drugged out that you can't even see how wrong you are. You are fucking rotting because you deserve it. I deserve better than you. I hope you stay the piece of shit that you are because you don't even deserve to feel happy ever. There is no amount of sorrow in the world that you could feel that would ever make it possible for me to forgive you and let go the things you have done to me and my family... to my mother. I can't let you affect who I am the way you let your family affect who you are. I'm happy to have found you.. and see you for who you really are. I'm relieved that I don't have a father who is a great person. I'm glad to know that you abandoned me because you are a piece of shit drug addict who can't get yourself or life together. Nobody knows what it feels like to be inside of me. Nobody will ever have a chance to know... all because the one person who was supposed to love me out of everyone in the world can't be trusted not to break my heart. I need to let you go. I need to let you go. I need to let you go.
Mom don't leave me. You're all I have. It's no wonder why I fall apart over you. You're all I have and yet you have hurt me just a much.
How do I become a happy person when I've never been happy. I've never witnessed happiness. My life has been a plethora of unfair events. Do I continue to have you in my life? Or do I let you go? No matter what happens I seem to need you.
My best friend. I don't know what it is about you but I can't live my life without you. I don't know where this came from. I don't understand why I feel the way I feel about you. You can do no evil in my eyes it's creepy. Cuddle?
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04:32 pm
Sooo. Being that I have sooooo much to say I guess I should start writing everyday.
Today wasn't too bad. I went and did alot of stupid things that I needed to get done so that's a plus. Then we went to the mall downtown to pick up paper and a few other things.
You know what I hate? BUSSES. I never realized how much I truly fucking hate taking the bus until I moved downtown. I SWEAR ONCE WE HAVE A CAR I'M NEVER GETTING ON THE BUS AGAIN.
I noticed today that I have little or no patience or tolerance for anyone or anything. I hate waiting. I feel like I want to peel the skin off my face when I am waiting in line. I'm a fucking bitch. You know what else I noticed. I AM an asshole just like everyone says, but not in the way that everyone means. I'm not heartless no. I have a heart.. and I have a fucking temper and I have trust issues and there is a LOT of shit wrong with me... so excuse me if I pretend not to give a shit about your feelings. It might just be because I can barely handle my own.
I have the worst fucking headache in the world. REminD me to never take a bus to a MALL again. Fuck being at the mall. Fuck all the assholes in the fucking mall. Fuck the cocksuckers who work at the mall. Fuck the little kids in the buggys with the parents at taco bEll in the fucking mall. I'm never going to put myself around THAT many people if I can help it ever again in my life. FAK! NOW LYNDSAYS TAKIN A DOOGIE WHEN I HAD THE FUCKING SHOWER RUNNINGGGG!! GAHHH I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just bit Colbys fucking head off. HAHA.. this can't be healthy. I'm right freaking out.
I have stupid homework to do.
I just bit Lyndsays head off too. haha.. feels so damn good. SEPT this fucking headache I feel like my heads on fire. Okay.. I'm getting in the shower maybe it will help. My body feels like I weigh a million pounds.. I PROBABLY DO.. that's just another thing that I can't fucking stand.. IM FAT.. like I haven't gained any weight but I just feel like the fattest girl in the world. FAT.
I feel huge. It's like I'm the hugest fattest ass whale woman alive. I can't even sing today. This is fuckin bullshit cause I'm so fucking nervous every second of every day. If I have to be freaking out and scared anymore I think I might blow somebodys head off.
I really am a ticking time bomb. I'm doing my best to get things out. It's really difficult but I need to, if only to keep myself out of jail. Can't go that route again now can I?
Okay I think the smells probably gone now. Lets hope so.. otherwise I just might have one more reason to snap.. that could send me right over the edge lol... or maybe something like my mom calling. I really don't think I can take one more phone call from that goof. I keep having flashbacks and I might just go over there and ruin her day the way she ruined my fucking life. OKay im out.. I'll be back to snap again later.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/angry.gif) angry/annoyed/anxious/SNAPPIN
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August 23rd, 2009
11:43 pm
So today I started reading and practicing my GED book. I called and my mom asked riz to bring me to coles where I picked up the book. I know I have been going around in circles about everything for quite some time. I don't feel comfortable just jumping into everything without having some sort of experience recently. I'm glad I made this decision. I don't feel like I've added too too much stress. I had a hard time concentrating today but once I got into it, I accomplished more than I set out to.
So I've been going through this change of sorts. Guess I had an epiphany of sorts. I'm not sick anymore so that's good news. Just a case of acid reflux. Everything that has happened recently is leading me to believe that I need to change again. Everything else is changing. I am having all of these feelings that I can't seem to shove down. I'm worrying about where my life is going. I'm starting to have flashbacks of good and bad points in my life. I remember everything. For the longest time I couldn't even tell you a single significant thing that happened in my life. I was just heartless. I just gave up. I felt nothing. It's crazy how much more comfortable it is for me to feel nothing. It's insane how many things I have just put away. I wonder now, "how do I deal with everything that is challenging me?". Guess I could only go so long holding everything in. Fuck! Where do I go from here. Do I have to abandon people and things I have surrounded myself with during this "phase" if you will. How do I separate myself from who I have been for the last few years? How can I get used to feeling everything again? It's not even like I have a choice. There's never been a button that I could just switch off and on when I didn't want to feel things. Feeling or not feeling have never been just options for me but if they had I might have saved a few hearts.
I can remember staring into your heart and feeling nothing. I can remember digging and scrounging for just an ounce of emotion. I guess I just couldn't. I guess I felt things just.. in my head not my heart.
Apples are good.
Can't wait to talk to my shrink. When I leave I feel like a normal person again. Guess I need someone to talk to ehhh.. ehh? lol In any case it helps. I hope that I don't have to take medz again though. Really I think I can do it without. If I have to, I guess I could give it a try but only if I know for sure that it's the right thing. I don't even take Advil without freaking out about what it does to my body haha. Not too bad for someone who used to smoke and drink and everything else :P. Suddenly I give a shit what happens to me. Only since I met Lyndsay really. She helped me quit smoking, made me see how much I could care. She makes me fucking loopy. I hope this is all for the best anyway. I would be disappointed if we didn't work because I got it in my head somehow that she deserves me and I deserve her. She's the one who's not fake or a slut or too smart or a gamer.. she tries. I love her. It's so fucking hard. I love her.... GAHHHHHHHHhhh... :( why is this not a good feeling. Maybe it will take some more time. It's really taken me a long time to feel anything for her. It's taken me a long time to actually admit how much I care.. I want more.. I want everything to get better. I don't want to be afraid of everyone who makes me feel.
Lyndsay just told me to call Ryan so we can go do a HIZZY!!!! LOL uhh.. wow.... so that's just great my girlfriend wants to go to jail and leave me with the kid and the three faggeteirs upstairs....
SPEAKING OF THEM.. wack jobs came over here today apologizing to me and asking me to get lynn to buy pills :S... fAk. I can't win with those assholes. They are either knocking on my door trying to be my best friend or they are calling CAS and the cops trying to ruin my life. I really can't wait to get the fuck out of here.
What? I didn't mention how they called CAS on us? Told them that Lyndsay chases Colby around with a hammer :S.. Grrrrrrrrr. No wonder I am breaking down and can't fucking hold anything in. There are so many things stressing me the fuck out lately how can I act like everything is all honKY fAKing DOrEy? I've almost had to slit my wrists... haha. When I move I know I will laugh about this. It's really not funny going through it but hopefully when things change again for the better I won't have to deal with shit like this ever again. Plans suck. Ever since I learned that they have to be CArrIED outT :P. Saving money and paying bills off. I'm hoping that these things will help my state of mind. Getting away from dodos upstairs should take a load off. Maybe I'll be able to yell when I'm mad and cry when I'm sad. Maybe I'll be able to watch a movie and not hear banging on my ceiling. Maybe I'll listen to my favorite song OVER AND OVER AS LOUD AS I CAN GET IT... lol..okay that's over the top but I guess I underestimate how valuable having privacy can be. I really think I was happy. I hope so. I hope that a few fags and a prick just stomped on a part of my life that's soon to be over; a part of a dream that panned out all wrong. I'm going to make sure this time that I don't fall apart... ANNNDDD IF I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo.. IF I dooOOOOOOOOOo (8)..haha I'll remember to do it out loudDDDDDDDDD.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) amused
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August 19th, 2009
10:21 pm - Face things?
Well I was just writing on paper. It's different to write a journal by hand. I don't like it anymore. Guess I'll put it down here then from now on.
My body aches have gone away for the most part. Maybe it was the weather, maybe it was being sick and not doing anything for a while. Either way it's passed and I'm afraid for it to happen again. Funny how I look at life. Anytime something bad happens I hold on to it forever. I find it so hard to let go of things that affect me badly, because I spend all of my time trying to prevent them from happening again.
I've discovered recently that I have an anger issue still. I guess my counselor was right when she said I still needed help. I should have reached out to her. I just have such a problem reaching out in general. I've been trying. My anger is so bad and yet I have a hard time recognizing my warning signs. Fooor instance.
When someone hands me my change in a store or what have you, and they put the change on top of the paper money in my hand and it goes all over the place, my arms start to hurt and I feel distressed. It's pathetic how I overanalyze things. I always contemplate feelings that I have before I react. It's terrible at times though, because I usually decide that I'm feeling something I don't want to feel or that what I feel doesn't really matter, which leads to my introversion. I don't remember being like this. I used to be free and laugh all the time and dance around like an idiot. It's almost like I haven't felt anything at all for a long time. I just feel everything now and I have nowhere to put it. Maybe I just didn't care. Maybe I had nothing to care about until now. Court bothers me. The guys upstairs bother me. My mom leaving bothers me. Bills not being paid bothers me. Worrying about money and work and school and my relationship bothers me. I guess these things wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't care right? I'm not used to caring about anything. I don't want to cheat I quit smoking. I don't drink anymore. I really changed a lot of things. I moved. My mom moved. And she's moving again. And I have to move again too! I've been sick recently for a long time. My stomach has been acting up. I'm not at a comfortable weight. I don't see my friends like I used to. I just have a bad attitude about certain people. I don't feel much like spending time with anyone. I sort of gave up. I don't want my life to be this way. I want to be happy. I want to do what it's going to take to make that happen I'm just really confused about what that means. I wish I had a clue what was going to help me become happy. I wish I knew what would fix things.
Today was just a loss. I feel like I had hopes for today. I felt great getting on a bus and going up to Shelb to get my Health Card. I went swimming. I didn't really enjoy myself. Today I should have tried. I know I accomplished something but I still feel like I wasted my time. I could have gotten some sort of stress of my chest, but instead I spent time doing something I don't really enjoy.
Why is it that I can love someone so fucking much and still just because of one little technicality still come last? Everyday I woke up and felt like I had a reason to be here. I had a reason to roll out of bed and push forward. A day at the park with you was what lit up my life. Just playing catch and making you happy and worrying about you. It was worth it. You are worth it. I wonder now why I can't be around you all of the time. It hurts me because I love you so much. Am I just afraid? Why does it feel so fucked up to be around you? Even when I have space I still feel bothered when I am close to you. Maybe I'm trying to protect you from what's happening to me. Maybe I'm a coward. I'm not going to stop trying. Maybe I need to start trying.
When I start dealing with things I feel better. I guess that's what I have to continue to do. It's not like I have a choice. I can't walk away and hide from everything that is going to challenge me for the rest of all eternity. I can cry like a little baby about everything or I can deal with things.
I CAN get mad. I AM allowed to have feelings and disappointments. I don't have to be afraid to love. I'm not going to break down. I'm not going to fail unless I don't try at all.
RocK >> ..alyssa.. <<HaRdplAce
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August 16th, 2009
09:06 pm
It seems I've neglected to write for a while yet again. Living on King and Sherman has been a treat; I say that sarcastically of course. Living below someone who doesn't like you can really be a pain in the ass. There are these two gay men who live above Lyndsay, Colby and I. They are by far the most annoying pair or people I have ever met. They don't like our music no matter how high or low it is, so they stand over Colbys room when he's sleeping and jump up and down until he screams. I can understand if you have a problem with us, but to torment a 6 year old is over the top. The police have been called here over and over again. I can't yell in my place because then I am beating my girlfriend. I can't listen to music because then I'm irritating people who don't work in the middle of the day. I can't walk outside without being stared at out the window. I mean it's ridiculous. How do people have no fucking shame at all? How can you seriously stalk someone THAT badly. How do you sleep at night knowing what you are doing? I can truly say that I know what it feels like to have somebody obsessed with me. It's fucking creepy. It's one thing when someone likes you or wants to be with you... or just wants to be you. It's another when you have to look over your shoulders because someone is looking in your windows and through the cracks of your door. The worst part about the whole situation has been that my stalkers live above me. It's not like there is anything we can do about it. The police have been here dozens of time and can't help us. They are called on us all of the time for music that is never on. ThEY kickEd in ouR fucKing door!. The police did nothing about it because there were no witnesses other than Lyndsay. All we can do is move. When we came here all I wanted was to start over. I loved it. The place, and everything about it made me so happy. Now all I do is avoid someone who is obsessed with ruining my quality of life in every way possible for him. It's terrible to feel trapped inside your own home. For a while I wouldn't even come home because it was so upsetting for me. It has been so hard to handle.
Our landlord took their door when they weren't home. So they called the news paper and chch news! We have to move now. This is the worst thing that could have happened. When someone is obsessed with you it really fucks you up. It has been almost unbearable for me. Just talking about it and thinking about it is making me feel sick to my stomach. They've pushed me over the edge and I will never forget this.
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I know I have said I was going to school before and I had my doubts about going to a private school. I've let myself go for too long. I need to do something with my life. I'm going to mohawk to take music. I'm scared out of my wits but excited too!. You have to audition to get into the class for next year. I dream about it :P. I know I can do it and I will get in no question but for some reason deep down I wonder "am I good enough?".
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My relationship has been suffering because of all of the outside influences. I hate that you can find someone who you feel is just right and really loves you and cares for you and who meshes with you perfectly and somehow someway life seems to still make it difficult for you. I don't think it helps that I usually shove every feeling down and act like nothing can hurt me. That's so not true. I've been realizing more and more everyday what I feel.. that I feel. I've just gotten so used to ignoring my feelings that I do it when I know I shouldn't. I do it even when it makes me sick. I should talk more. I am trying. I should accept who I am and that I have faults and that I get hurt and upset and everything else. It's been so hard that I just try to protect myself from everything. There's really no way to do that. I've only just started picking myself up out of a depression of sorts. It got so bad that I couldn't get out of bed. I just cried and cried. I just hurt more than I ever have in my life. I've never felt so low. I know what agony is. I know now how I hurt. I know now that I feel and I feel everything no matter how I hide. I know now that I have a breaking point and that I can only take so much. I know that it is wrong to not allow myself to be aware of the things I want and feel.
I see a psychiatrist now. I went to get help because I wanted to be sure that this wasn't something I couldn't handle without medz. I was honest and it turns out that I don't need medication, I just need to talk/vent. I need to deal. I would much prefer and outlet. I've patched up relationships that I let go of because I believed that I had to. I'm trying to reestablish a relationship with my mom. I've been moved out from her for the longest time. I think it affected me more than I wanted to believe.
It's no mystery why I started to ignore my feelings. I guess on top of the obvious reasons, it's because I figured that the way I felt didn't matter because it never changed anything. It never stopped anyone from hurting me. Feeling things never made anyone treat me any different. I sort of gave up when I met Rachel. I was just fed up of being vulnerable. I was fed up of trying to be a good person.
It's amazing how many people are drawn to you when you claim apathy and practice indifference. Seemingly, people try to break that wall. Everyone wants to be the one to melt that "ice box" but nobody considers what's left. I feel like everyone wants to get the best of me.
Well I'm going to eat now. Had a great day today. Things are getting better. It's taking a while but things don't change overnight.
Current Mood: awake
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July 2nd, 2009
09:45 am - Rainy day
Today should typically be a good day for me, however the rain's being overshadowed by the toll that everyday stress has been taking on my body. Last week I was sicker than a dog out of nowhere, (but isn't that how it goes?). I'm not going to spill every little detail about what's stressing me here but I will declare myself "pooped". The last two days of feeling not sick anymore have been less than a relief. I feel like my body needs sleep but my brain won't let me. I've never been so worn out in my life. It's actually really scary. I'm a hypochondriac of sorts. Anything out of the ordinary and Alyssa's dying lol. To top everything off, I pulled a muscle in my chest.
Colby is still sleeping; I wish I could say the same for me. Lyndsay's at work.
I really should write more often in here. I would like to go back and read this one day and know what the hell was going on. Did I mention I moved? Well Centre Mall apartments are a thing of the past. I like it more here. My bedroom window is nothing short of brilliant. It was enough to make me sure that this was "it". At least for now.
Court went great this time around. Don't go back until Nov. I have to be a witness then. Lovely isn't it? lol. I can see myself being kicked out of the courtroom for wearin' a baseball hat and jean shortz.. lol aha. Nahhh... I'm doin' it propA :D.
I guess I should dedicate today to relaxing. I'm sooooooooooooooooo tired. Nadine thinks it's because I'm getting older. PFFFTTT! it better not be that..lol Speaking of Nadine. She and Legend were in town again this year. I opted not to see them again this year..:( I don't know what it is. I just can't. I don't feel like watching my broken heart dangle in front of me.
I love this song.
"Baby you my everything
you all i ever wanted.
We can do it real big.
Bigger then you ever done it.
You be up on everything.
Other hoes ain't never on it.
I want this forever,
i swear i can spend whatever on it.
Cause she hold me down everytime i hit her up.
When i get right i promise that we gon live it up.
She make me beg for it till she give it up.
And I say the same thing every single time.
I say you the fuckin best.
You the fuckin best.
You the fuckin best.
You the fuckin best.
You the best i ever had.
Best I ever had.
Best I ever had.
Best I ever had."
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Best I ever had - Drake
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May 8th, 2009
02:34 pm - Let it burn.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY to good to be true.
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May 6th, 2009
08:54 am
So yes. Last night was one hell of a night. Threw the phone... black eye :(. I didn't even mean for that to happen. I wasn't thinking. I have problems yes, but would never have thrown it had I anticipated the result. Typically on a day like this I would lounge around in self-loathe...oh that's right! I am.
Shit just got real. It did, cause I watched it grow right in front of my face. Is this what I do to people? Is this who I am?.. a monster.. an asshole. If so, why the hell won't anyone just tell me? Why when I warn people do they ignore me? :S I actually am not a good person. Really. I hope I can be. I want to try more than anything. So here I am. I'm willing to do whatever it's going to take to fix things. I'm just a little bit lost. I don't know where to start. I don't know how to be true to myself. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm capable of. I don't know how to let things go. I'm afraid to fail, but willing to try...but try what? A sense of direction would be nice. I'm clearly not where I want to be so that's a start. Guess that means some things need to change. Gah..
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I'm sorry. I did what I thought I had to do. Not what I wanted. I wish that we could be friends. I have so many problems and it's just not fair. I have this idea in my head that if you didn't expect more than friends you wouldn't even talk to me. It bothers me because I need a friend like you :(.
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What happened was an accident. I hope you realize that I wasn't intending on hurting you at all. I've never done anything like that in my life, and I hope you understand that if I was that angry at you I would have left...because that is what I do. It's killing me even though I know I didn't mean it. I'm so sorry.
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April 29th, 2009
10:44 am - Loves not a competition
I won't be the one to disappoint you anymore
And I know I've said all this to that you've heard it all before
The trick is getting you to think that all this was your idea
And that is everything you've ever wanted out of here
Loves not a competition, but I'm winning.
I'm not sure whats truly altruistic anymore
Cause every good thing that you did was listed and you're keeping score
Loves not a competition but I'm winning.
Or at least I thought I was, but there's no way of knowing.
Current Mood: creative
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April 24th, 2009
10:09 pm
So, where do I start.
Well unfortunately I'm here writing again more frequently because I'm convinced that it's what I need, as opposed to what I enjoy. Really I wish I'd written more. I wish I could go back over the last year and really grasp what's happened in my life.
I feel like I've fallen off the non-abuse wagon. Somehow thing's just got to the point where I started holding back again. I wish somebody would write a book called "Suppressing suppression for dummies". That my dear journal, would be glorious. I think things got to the point where I refused to let my feelings become hurt because of her sadness. Was I at fault? I think I was. In my own way, I was unfair. Really I was confused as to what type of support was needed. Sometimes I need direction too. I'm sorry for not being more understanding, but I didn't deserve to be treated so badly. Not that anyone would have a clue in the world that I ever hurt.
Moving on.
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Missy..
The one I strayed to. I must say. "And so it is.... the shorter story." (private entry material)
Gahh.. I suppose I'll leave the rest for another day. Tired.
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April 19th, 2009
07:54 pm
So go on
And I will refrain
And I'll keep on running this neverending race
Well maybe next time will be the right time
And maybe next time will be your time
So save your scissors
For someone else's skin
My surface is so tough
i dont think the blade will dig in save your strength save your wasted time theres no way that i want you to be left behind
go on and save your scissors
save your scissors
So why does it always seem
That every time I turn around
Somebody falls in love with me
This has never been my sole intention
And I have never claimed
to have patents on such inventions
Just save your scissors
For someone else's skin
My surface is so tough
I don't think the blade will dig in
Save your strength
Save your wasted time
There's no way that I want you to be left behind
Go on save your scissors
Save your scissors
There is something that I must confess to you tonight
To you tonight
And that is I expect nothing less from you tonight
From you tonight
Go on save your scissors
Save your scissors
Save your scissors
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